Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Three Years Ago

I'll warn you now that this post is about Shana, so don't read any further if you have heard all this before.



This past Saturday marked the third year anniversary of Shana's passing. I can tell you just about everything I was doing on April 11, 2006--where I went, what I was wearing, what I ate. Everything. And I can pretty much do the same for the days up to three years ago today. I keep thinking I'm dealing with her death fairly well, but I'm not so sure sometimes. Remember a few months ago, I posted the stages of grief? I'd say I am into the anger stage all too well. I seem to be pissed off all the time! Everything and nothing makes me mad. I can actually feel it bubbling inside me. My thinking is that if I can get some of that anger out, it will help me.

Shana is our oldest child, born in 1977 in Italy while Darrell was in the army. I was only 19 when she was born and she used to tell people that we grew up together. She probably wasn't far wrong. Shana was a good big sister (though her siblings might disagree). She could be quite the little mother and was more than a little bossy.

A couple of months before her 21st birthday, Shana was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. We determined later that she had probably been having seizures for about 6 months before she was diagnosed. Shana had a rare type of epilepsy. She only had seizures when she was in a deep sleep. She was supposed to take medication, but it made her gain weight, so she wasn't faithful about taking it. Especially after the doctor told her the medication wouldn't prevent 100% of the seizures. She didn't like having to take pills several times a day and be different from others. I reminded her of her grandfather, who was diabetic and had to test his blood sugar and give himself shots every day. That worked for a while.

At the time of her death, Shana was living with our second daughter Holly and Holly's two young children. It was a Tuesday and Shana had the day off work and was going to keep Holly's kids while Holly worked. It was unusual that Shana was sleeping so late and Holly went in to let Shana know she was leaving. That's when Holly found her. What an awful thing--to find your sister dead! But I have to admit that I'm so thankful it wasn't me who found her. I'm not sure I could have handled that. Shana had been gone about 5 hours by the time she was found. Apparently, she had suffered a seizure during the night and suffocated in her pillow. Holly called 911 and even attempted CPR, though it was obviously too late. Darrell and I were in Savannah, GA celebrating our anniversary and Darrell had turned his cell phone to silent. It was about five hours before anyone was able to reach us. We immediately started for home and it was the longest trip of my life.

In the midst of all this pain, I felt my Heavenly Father strengthening me. I was reminded of something I had written in my journal a couple of years earlier. I had written then that I strongly felt something was going to happen, but I didn't want to write about it yet because I didn't want to 'jinx' anything. But if it happened, I would write about it. My feeling at that time was that Shana was going to die. I had felt for a long time that Shana wouldn't live to be very old. When Shana turned 25, I told my daughter Lauren I still had that feeling and I didn't think Shana would live to be 30. Shana was 28 when she passed away. I truly feel the Lord was trying to prepare me in some way.

I feel the Lord with me, comforting me, strengthening me. And I'm beginning to focus on the good times we had. But too often, the bad times push their way in and all I can see are my failings as a mother. Shana was very loving to her family and friends. She may have been difficult to get close to, but once she was your friend, she was fiercely loyal. I know she wouldn't want me to keep feeling this way. I sense her with me and can almost feel her conflict. She has work to do on the other side, and her concern for me takes her away from that. She wants to comfort me, but has other things she should be doing.

Sometimes I just want to tell myself to put on my big girl panties and get on with it. Other times I want to scream and shout and punch something. Sometimes I need a real live person to talk to, but I can't make myself open up. So I'm going to do that here. Thanks for listening.
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Monday, February 2, 2009

She's Gonna Blow!

I just finished reading this book. It's pretty good, though a bit preachy. I've read a couple of her other books and this one is much more serious than those. Still there is a lot of good information and help for those who might be dealing with anger, especially toward their children. And we all feel that way at one time or another. Just the monotony of everyday life can drive you nuts. Add to that a willful two-year-old or smart-mouthed teenager and it's Mount St. Helen's all over again. She doesn't say we should all be June Cleavers, but she gives honest and truly helpful ways to deal with frustration and anger.

At the end of the book, is a wonderful little poem that I'm going to assume was written by the author since she doesn't attribute it to anyone else. I might get in trouble, but I'm going to copy it here.



Hearts Entrusted

These tiny hearts to me entrusted,
Soft and tender,
Pockets of soil moist with innocence,
Laden with surprises,
Giggles,
Questions,
Love,
With one blast of anger,
One word unkindly spoken,
One glare of intolerance,
I can cause these tiny hearts to....
Fear,
Cower,
Or--God forbid---
Hate.
I want to plant within their souls seeds of....
Joy,
Contentment,
Love
heaping
upon
love.
Yet, thorny briers of...
Harshness,
Impatience,
Bitterness,
I have heedlessly allowed to grow.
Remorseful?
Yes.
Able to call back?
Never.
Forgiven?
Oh yes, more than I deserve.
Lord, I don't want to fail again.
May I be found faithful to these created by You.
Praise for A-B-Cs perfected,
"Thank you," for windows cleansed with Pledge.
There are no second chances.
I cannot undo the past.
Jesus,
Sear my heart with love and devotion.
May I be a sower of seeds,
A shelter amidst the storm.
May I hear,
"Well done, good and faithful mother."
May I be found true.

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