The older I get, the more I realize I know nothing and I am wrong more often than not. But that doesn't stop me from spouting off way too often. I share, advise, critique, and rant. I talk when I should listen. I give my so-called expertise when it wasn't asked for. I judge others for doing some of the same things I do. But of course, I'm doing it because __________ (fill in the blank), so that makes it okay. Not.
I wish I wasn't so loud and opinionated. I wish I could would temper my tongue. I wish I wasn't so snarky and sarcastic. I wish I was one of those sweet, soft spoken women who never has a bad thing to say about anyone. I wish so many things. I've tried hard to change the way I think, the way I speak, the way I act. To the point where I'm not sure who I am anymore. There has to be a middle ground, but I can't seem to find it.
My husband is in a leadership position at church now and I've watched him grow and change in the past several months. It's amazing! Not that he wasn't great before, but he's just so much more now. The change in him has made me see and feel my shortcomings stronger than ever. I want to be more like him. And like Him. I want to look for and recognize the good in others. I want to be filled with love and compassion and charity. I want to not be resentful and jealous when work and church duties take Darrell away from time with me. I want to overcome the natural man--which is alive and well within me.
My solution has been to distance myself from the general population. If I'm not around people, I can better control my natural tendencies. I stay home, I don't go to activities if I can help it, I make my blog private. I've even deleted my Facebook page. But sooner or later, I have to go out into the world. Not to mention that those I love most in the world are still subjected to my "words of wisdom". So I've got to figure out some way of finding a better me. The me the Lord wants me to be. The me I fear I'll never become.
Wish me luck.
3 comments:
Oh Beverly, you know how much I love you and needed to read your post this night!?! I have noticed the same change in Loren since he was called to ym pres a couple months ago. I've been feeling so grouchy and not 'good enough' the last few days, coming more to a head this evening. :( I'm with ya on trying to overcome my weaknesses!! Good luck to us both! Love you and I'm forwarding you an email my mom sent today. :)
Well now dear sister, you and I are made out of the same cloth. I have those same thoughts and have had to have little talks with myself before going to activities and such. I say, "Connie, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF." The road to perfection is a long one, it only matters that we are willing to stay on the right road even if we hit a bump now and then. Good luck with your journey and think of me when you stick your foot in your mouth because I probably will have one in my mouth as well. Love you like a sister!!!
Bev(erly)--Oh, how I've missed reading your posts and seeing you on FB!!! Now I know the story behind it. I love you, and think you are hilarious and SO MUCH FUN to be around. Think of all those people who will not get to know you, and how much you'll miss being around people. You are not an invalid at ALL. You are very social, and very sweet and so funny. Give it some time. I know you have to do what YOU have to do, and what is best for you. But hopefully staying cooped up won't last forever. You need to get out and about. Good luck with your play, and know that someone a few hours across the country is rooting for you!!!
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