Which Way Do I Go?

This may be a long post--and it may ramble quite a bit. I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head which I'm going to attempt to put down here. We'll see how successful I am. You may have noticed that it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. Or maybe you didn't notice--perhaps I overestimate my importance in your life. ;-) There are a few reasons--my youngest daughter Lauren is pregnant with her third child--due on August 28. However, her doctor scheduled her for an induction this coming Friday, then rescheduled for tomorrow. As of last Thursday, the baby is over eight pounds! Lauren had spinal fusion surgery when she was 16 because of scoliosis and thus cannot have an epidural. In addition to a new baby coming to our family, this Friday night, we are hosting a rehearsal dinner BBQ for anywhere from 30 to 100 people. Our only son is getting married on Saturday! So we've had a lot to do getting things ready.

The main reason for my not posting has little to do with the things I've mentioned above and all the busyness that's been going on. It has to do more with me. Lately, I've been reading several posts on other blogs about why we blog. And it's given me pause. I've really been pondering why I blog and what I want my blog to be--what do I want out of it.

Lauren actually set up my blog. She had one of her own and really thought I would enjoy having my own. One day I checked my email and she had sent me a notice that she had set up The Beverly Buzz. I was intimidated to say the least. I'm not computer phobic, but I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination.

At the point where I published my first post, I was very apprehensive. What in the world could I have to say that anyone would be interested in reading?? I'm not a good journal keeper--I want to write down my honest feelings, but don't want to hurt anyone by something they might read. If I could have an anonymous blog, that would be ideal! I knew Lauren would be reading what I wrote--and other family members might. Then friends and people I attend church with. Could I be myself knowing people close to me were reading what might turn out to be intimate thoughts?

So--what did I want my blog to be? A journal? A place to vent? That's the direction I was heading the first few months. Then I started exploring and found other blogs. Some I wasn't interested in--some I was VERY interested in. Those were women who enjoyed the same things I do--decorating, thrifting, repurposing furniture, etc. I started to link up with them and share the items I found at yard sales and Goodwill. I showed off how I had fixed things up and blessed my home. And I started getting comments. And followers! What a rush! Talk about feeding my ego! I guess one of my "love languages" is words of encouragement. To think that someone I have never met could appreciate something I had done and took the time to tell me! I thrived on comments.

Then one time I linked up with a blog and showed off our minor kitchen redo. I could tell by the map on the sidebar that lots of people were viewing that particular post. But comments? Zero. Zip. Nada. Except for a couple from family and close friends. I wasted a weekend being in a deep dark funk--all because people I didn't even know and would probably never meet didn't seem to like my kitchen! How ridiculous! I even stopped following a blog I really enjoyed because the owner had been blogging about half the time I had and she already had hundreds of followers! I was jealous! Is that not pathetic?

So now I'm back to square one. What do I hope to gain from continuing my blog? After doing a little unofficial research, I've found the blogs I enjoy the most are a hodgepodge of different posts. One day it might be thrift store finds. The next something funny from their kids. Another day might bring an emotional post regarding a sad or heartfelt experience. That's what I want! I want each post to be a surprise for the reader. I want to be honest and open. I want to not worry about what the reader might think. Though there may be times when I change the names to protect the guilty!

I enjoy being thought of as funny. But it's hard to be up and funny all the time. Sometimes that keeps me from posting. I just don't have that much energy. So I'm not going to put that pressure on myself. I may be funny sometimes, other times I may be a drag. But I hope to always be myself. After all, that's all I can be, right?