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Monday, July 19, 2010

The Good, The Bad, and The ????

The Good:
One of my favorite things is to find a wonderful surprise in the mail--and last week I hit the jackpot!  I wasn't expecting anything but maybe bills and those political postcards that generally get tossed in the trash with hardly a glance--but that's a post for another day.  My sweet bloggy friend Connie at Shady Creek Lane makes the purtiest stuff--things with vinyl lettering, makeovers of Goodwill finds, blocks, frames, and canvases.  Her ingenuity constantly amazes me.  Anyway, lately she's added something new.  Washer necklaces.  When I saw one with leopard print and a crown charm, I knew it must be mine.  Guess I bugged her enough about purchasing it, that she mailed it to me!  I love it!  Thank you so much, Connie!  It did come with a little string attached and I'll take care of that before long.  Here's a little pic so you can envy me....
Don't ya love it?!

Lauren and her kids went home Friday a week ago (if you know when that is, you might have a little Southern blood running through your veins).  Then two days later, our other daughter Holly came to visit with her youngest Alexander.  Here's his cute face, just because I can never get enough of it....

The Bad:
From my teens, I have suffered from depression.  Thursday, I started feeling myself beginning that downward spiral into the dark well that is all too familiar.  I could feel it happening--and sometimes I can do things to try and stop it--but this time I just sank into it.  Different things bring on these feelings of failure and worthlessness.  This episode was of my own making.  I asked an honest and open friend a question I really wanted an answer to (or so I thought).  Her honesty made me look long and hard at myself and as usual I came up short.  And in this instance, it's too late to do anything about what I did or didn't do in the past. 

Before you say, that's in the past, leave it there.  Or you can't do anything about the past--only the present and the future.  Or forget yourself and serve others.   Know that my head knows these things, and in lucid moments, they make sense.  But when I'm falling into the well, that advice is beyond me.  Just getting out of bed takes all my energy.  And the thing I asked my friend about was weighing so very heavily on my heart and is so important to me, that I couldn't focus on anything else.  I wanted to post about how I was feeling, but just couldn't put it into words without sounding completely pathetic. 

Let me just ask this---when growing up, did you ever say 'when I'm an adult/wife/mother I want to accomplish this one goal' or 'I want this one thing to happen when I'm grown'?  And one day you realize that you didn't meet that goal and now it's too late and it's more than likely never going to happen. 

I'm doing better today.  Yesterday was a good day at church--I'll try to share some of that later in the week. 

The ????:
Do you dream?  Do you remember your dreams?  Do you give your dreams credence?  I answer yes to all 3 questions.

The other night, I dreamed I was in a bed in what appeared to be a hospital ward.  Long, narrow room with beds lining both walls.  There was a nice woman in the bed to my right and we struck up a conversation.  She seemed rather nervous, especially when someone would walk down the aisle between the rows of beds.  I finally asked her why she was so frightened and she answered that she was afraid of Death.

About that time, a figure in a long dark cape and hood came walking toward us.  The woman next to me stiffened until the figure looked at us.  It was a beautiful blond woman, who smiled and went on.  We were so intent on her that we missed the figure behind her--another dark cape and hood.  This figure stopped between our beds and spoke quietly to the woman beside me.  I realized this was Death and she (yes, I felt it was a female) was taking my new friend.  I bid her goodbye and told her how nice it had been getting to know her.  As they were leaving, Death looked back at me and said "I've come for you, too, sweetie".  Without fear, I just answered "oh, okay" and got up to join them.

Then I woke up.  What's your interpretation?


Sweet Tea said...

As a child and as a young adult I never really looked much beyond a day at a time - not particularly a good thing, but just me. Very little planning, but a lot of worrying. As the years have passed I do a lot of planning these days. For the most part I have gotten a grip on my excessive worrying. My best friend is Paxil. It works for me and I have no shame admiting it.
((HUGS)) for you.
No one knows what it feels like to be in your skin, except for you.

BTW, I often remember my dreams and they are usually "off the wall" and I give them no credence.

The Traylor's said...

Cute necklace!

I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed. I totally know the feeling. I go in and out and in and out. It all started after Lucas was born. Because I've always been either breastfeeding or pregnant, or breastfeeding again, I've decided against medicating for it. Instead I use the tools I learned in therapy to pull me out of my funks. Life has been really hard since my dad's death in January. I've felt so lost and so alone. And like a total failure in the wife/mother/homemaker department. This last time it lasted about a month, which I think is a success considering it was about a year plus the last go around. Hang in there! Also, a good book that I've read is called, "When Panic Attacks" it's a drug free approach to overcoming depression. Amazing! Hugs to you.

Oh and BTW... I can't believe how big Alexander has gotten. I know that sounds dumb, since he's about the same age(ish) as Lucas.. but it's always crazy what happens when you don't see someone for a while.

Okay, done ranting now!

Connie said...

I am so sorry that you have been so down, that makes me sad. I personally have never suffered from depression, (although I have been in what I call "funks" because of tough family relationships) I do not doubt your feelings at all. I have a son-in-law who has been struggling the last 5 years with it and I know how dibilitating (sp?) it has been for him. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

On a happier note, your grandson is GORGEOUS!!!!!!

Take care and "pass it on" to spread the love.

6L's said...

beverly, it is my favortie when you write about your feelings. :) i think it's even great if you feel it's pathetic and still write..we all have pathetic days and it's nice to hear the raw truth every once in awhile.
I'm so sorry you are having this struggle w/depression. i admire that you recognize and are doing your best to not blame others. i think you should come to group therapy once a month at jan martin's office with us. i think it would do a lot of good for you and us. :)
i do have dreams. some i remember and others not. i've never had any that i felt i could give credit to for anything. i have crazy dreams about buffalos chasing me into a ditch, having sex with relatives (YUCK!!!), stabbing people a million times because i was afriad they would get up and get me...yeah, bizarro stuff that i can't possibly take to heart. scares the crap out of loren! he's afraid i'll sleep walk and stab him to death when i tell him this stuff, lol....poor guy!
as for the goals of my youth...i feel very fortuante to say i am living my dreams. that isn't to say everything is perfect in my life, because it certainly isn't. i feel all the time that i fall short. i see things i want to change and be different from my own parents and yet the dysfunction is there and hard to change. i can only wake up each day and try again. some days are better than others just like anyone else. i look forward to the next post. :) i love you, beverly and i think you are pretty amazing!
oh, and btw, the necklace is absolutely perfect for you! ;)

Eric and Rozanne said...

Sorry to hear about you being down. I think we are harder on ourselves than anyone else. We try to give other people the benefit of the doubt, but we expect so much of ourselves. You've been through a lot of hard things in your life and look how great you've turned out!
I believe that dreams sometimes begin from something that has been on our mind and then they take off in all kinds of weird directions. Some are just plain random. I don't put much credence in them usually. Most of the time I don't remember what I dream.
Your grandson is beautiful and the necklace is so you!

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