I've put this off as long as I can. I committed myself yesterday by telling you I'd post my reason today. The reason seems pathetic even to me, so I'm almost ashamed to put it in writing. But here goes...
I am feeling old. Years ago, I promised myself that while I might grow older, I would try to never be old. (There is a difference.) We've all met 20-somethings who act 65. And we all know 60-somethings who seem much younger. It's all in the way we think. When I was young, I thought I was invincible (like most young people). I was pretty adventurous. As I got older and had children, I realized my mortality and that made me more cautious. Now I've gotten too cautious. And I don't know how to get away from that.
I think I have good reason for some of my fear. I am afraid of getting hurt. I was always the kid getting hit in the face with a ball. The first time I swam in the ocean, I almost drowned. If there was a way to get hurt, I was the person to find it. But back then I'd still try.
Not only am I feeling old, I'm feeling boring and uninteresting. I even bore myself. I don't do anything. I have lots of interests, but am not currently pursuing any of them. Darrell and Lauren have been after me for years to go back to school. You know, I've never set foot on a college campus as a student, so I guess for me it would be going to school--not returning. But it seems like such a waste of money. Plus I'd be like 54 when (and if) I graduated. Too late to do much with a degree. Who wants to hire someone almost ready for retirement when there are plenty of younger people out there?
So there you have it. Sorry if you're disappointed. I am afraid to go to college. I am afraid to walk into a classroom full of people young enough to be my children (like most of you reading this). I'm afraid of wasting Darrell's money and my time. I'm afraid of not being able to do the work. And while my original question was not about failure, I am afraid of failing and looking stupid.
Before you leave a comment, please know that I am not looking for affirmations or pats on the back. If this is to be a journal, then I'm going to be honest. And right now these are my honest feelings.