I've put this off as long as I can. I committed myself yesterday by telling you I'd post my reason today. The reason seems pathetic even to me, so I'm almost ashamed to put it in writing. But here goes...
I am feeling old. Years ago, I promised myself that while I might grow older, I would try to never be old. (There is a difference.) We've all met 20-somethings who act 65. And we all know 60-somethings who seem much younger. It's all in the way we think. When I was young, I thought I was invincible (like most young people). I was pretty adventurous. As I got older and had children, I realized my mortality and that made me more cautious. Now I've gotten too cautious. And I don't know how to get away from that.
I think I have good reason for some of my fear. I am afraid of getting hurt. I was always the kid getting hit in the face with a ball. The first time I swam in the ocean, I almost drowned. If there was a way to get hurt, I was the person to find it. But back then I'd still try.
Not only am I feeling old, I'm feeling boring and uninteresting. I even bore myself. I don't do anything. I have lots of interests, but am not currently pursuing any of them. Darrell and Lauren have been after me for years to go back to school. You know, I've never set foot on a college campus as a student, so I guess for me it would be going to school--not returning. But it seems like such a waste of money. Plus I'd be like 54 when (and if) I graduated. Too late to do much with a degree. Who wants to hire someone almost ready for retirement when there are plenty of younger people out there?
So there you have it. Sorry if you're disappointed. I am afraid to go to college. I am afraid to walk into a classroom full of people young enough to be my children (like most of you reading this). I'm afraid of wasting Darrell's money and my time. I'm afraid of not being able to do the work. And while my original question was not about failure, I am afraid of failing and looking stupid.
Before you leave a comment, please know that I am not looking for affirmations or pats on the back. If this is to be a journal, then I'm going to be honest. And right now these are my honest feelings.
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7 comments:
I have been waiting around for this post all day. This is not my attempt to pat you on the back, as I know how it feels when you just want to voice your thoughts without people babying you. So, with that said, I am not disappointed in the outcome of the questions that brought us to this point and there is no reason to be ashamed of it. I promise, these are my real feelings and I am not trying to make you feel better. I have known you for some time and I always LOVED your company. You were just such a fun mom to be around. You were real and kept things light, but I also appreciated how you were honest and said what you thought while still being a caring person. So, on to the school topic.
#1 Do you want to gain knowledge of get a degree. There is a big difference. I don't see any wasting of money if you just want to go and take a class for fun here and there. I see that your interests are computers, markmanship and photography. If your emphasis isn't college, then you could take a class for those things other places.
#2 Would you be getting a degree just to get a job? Do you really want to work at 54?
One of my pals in the college years (okay- I didn't have friends, but I use to eat lunch with her) was in her 50s. She was having the time of her life.
Yeah, I can't say if you would do good or not in college, but I think it would be worth a try. It isn't like if you changed your mind after one semester they would make you stay. Just go with the mindset that you want a change, to have fun and you want to gain knowledge, not going taking ten classes at once and despising it. I would LOVE to go back to school, no matter how old the world said I was.
replace that "of" with an "OR". The sentence should say, "Do you want to gain knowledge or get a degree?" Yeah, the last one that was deleted was mine...I had made the mistake twice.
Just because I like to learn.
I am not disappointed in your post either. We read your blog because we love you and like to hear of your feelings . All of us have fears of failing. For me it is driving. I am afraid of driving. I think of every possible situation that might happen. Instead of telling myself that I can do it I let the voices of doubt talk me into not trying. I failed once in trying so why try again?
As far as school goes I agree with Nicole. Are you looking at a degree or just something to fill some time? Take Classes on things that you enjoy or that you want to learn. If you want someone who is older to talk to about this talk with my Dad. He is going to school and seems to do well.
Find yourself something that will make you feel better about yourself. Take a jump and dive in. Some of what I am saying now are things that I need to say to myself. I know that you are able to do anything that you put your mind to.
I admire you for being able to speak your mind. I speak my mind and sometimes it just makes things worse.
Have you thought of looking into the BYU Bachelor of General Study program? It's an online, stay-at-home, don't go into a classroom type of thing. It's actually a really good program :) Anyway, it's an option that you can look into if you want to go to school...
First of all I admire that you did things when you were younger. I have always been too afraid to try things so I never did. While all the other kids were climbing trees or playing sports all I ever did was watch.
I think you should go to college, do it for you!!! Start off with a couple of classes to get the feel of things. Maybe take a creative writing class along with other courses.
I know starting something new is scary. It can also be exciting and lots of fun. Stop letting your fears hold you back from something that you would be great at. Just think I will be able to say my sister Beverly the college graduate.
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