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Monday, October 12, 2009

Today is my brother's birthday.  I wish I could see him and hug him, tell him happy birthday.  Unfortunately, I don't know how to contact him.  He lives in the same town I do, which isn't that big, unless you WANT to run into someone.  My brother chooses to distance himself from the family for some reason.  And that makes me sad.  I've only seen him twice in the past 15 years.  The first time was not long after we moved back here.  He walked into the office where I was working--not to see me.  As far as I know, he didn't even know we were living here again.  The second time I saw him was at our aunt's memorial service.  That was over ten years ago.

It hasn't always been like this.  Pete is about a year and a half older than me.  When I was two and he was 3 1/2, we went to live with aunts (sisters of our mother).  Pete lived a couple of houses down from me, but we were together every day because our aunts worked and our grandmother babysat us.  From stories I've heard, we were inseparable.  When Pete was 5 or 6, the uncle raising him was sent by the Army to Germany.  Pete went, too.  When they returned after four years, they bought the house next door.  Our relationship had changed, of course.  He was 9 and not crazy about having a little sister.  All I knew was my big brother was back.

After a couple of years, the Army once again moved my uncle.  This time to Virginia.  When they returned to our little military town, Pete and I were in our early teens.  Definitely a new and not so great relationship now.  I remember him being pretty mean to me and even hitting me when he got mad.  Once we were both in high school, he virtually ignored me.  He played football and was popular.  I wasn't.  It was hard to pass him in the halls and have him walk right past without a word or look.

After graduation, I married and moved away.  I had children of my own.  When I'd come home to visit, I'd see Pete sometimes.  But our relationship was strained.  Now here we are all these years later, and we don't talk or see each other.  I can't tell you how that feels.  To know my brother is only a few miles away and deliberately chooses to stay away.  He didn't even contact me when Shana died.

Pete is the only person I feel truly understands my childhood, because he lived it, too.  When we were young, I felt like he was the one person in the world I could count on.  I knew he loved me when I felt no one else did.  Then things changed as we grew up.  And here we are as adults.  Both still with that lonely child inside.  We could so easily help each other--if he only knew.  And if I knew where he is.

Happy Birthday, Pete.  I love you.


Sharon said...

I'm sorry he isn't a part of your life. I haven't seen him since before aunt Sue died. I've never had a relationship with him. I wish I could do something to help you with the way you are feeling. I do love you and am very thankful for the relationship we have.

♥georgie♥ said...

oh this post breaks my heart...for so many reasons...but mainly because in the end all we really have is Family...sending you hugs and wishing 'Pete' a Happy Bday!

5L's said...

i hope he will come around someday, beverly. hugs!

Susan B said...

I truly understand what you are feeling.. My brother and I have been through a period of what you are describing..we used to be close and our families were inseparable BUT I discovered he was living a lifestyle of continually cheating on his wife and I did not support him in this.. he alienated himself from me and all my family for many years.. would not even speak unless forced to do so..after losing both our parents within 5 months of each other and me sharing the family homeplace to him and my younger sister-- he is gradually coming around.. it is awkward but more cordial.. I have prayed that the Lord would show me the path and way to reconcile.. I am so sorry you are have this in your life and I will keep you in my prayers. I enjoy your blog.. I am not doing so well with ours..

Lauren said...

I wish I could tell him what he is missing!

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