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Thursday, April 9, 2009

Another Pathetic Appeal



It has occurred to me (albeit, belatedly) that I should have emphasized that this post is mainly directed to those who know me in person. Thanks to those who commented even though we've never met.

Do you remember that part of the movie "Grease" where Sandy decides she has to re-create herself? I have been in a funk for the better part of a week feeling kind of the same way. I'm just not liking myself lately. I have always fought depression (sometimes more valiantly than others) and I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I do take medication, though not as regularly as I should be. What I want is to like myself and for others to like me, too. Sometimes I think maybe I come off as cynical and sarcastic when in fact I'm trying to be humorous or trying to cover nervousness or anxiety.

I truly do care about other people, but I can't seem to make it show. Darrell is so good at caring--he makes it look easy. When I attempt his techniques (for lack of a better word), all I get are strange looks. Like they think I have ulterior motives or something.

My difficulty comes in deciding what to change and how to make the change. That's where you come in, dear reader. Please leave a comment about how you think I come across as a friend or as a person in general. What improvements could I make? How would you recommend I make said change? You can leave your comments anonymously, so don't hold back. Let me have it. I promise not to get mad or fall deeper into my black hole. After all, I asked for it.

Please do this. I know it's pathetic, but I also know I can't talk about this without going into the ugly cry.

8 comments:

Never Enough Orange said...

I believe you are great. maybe not very tech savvy, but you are a wonderful mother. I love you

Jen said...

We have never met, but I like reading your blog (I tell my husband I have a friend in Tennessee!) and you seem like a wonderful person. Hang in there. I go through bad times, too, often for no reason at all. Thankfully, they pass. Try writing down 5 different things every morning that make you happy - this worked for my daughter. If all else fails, go get a massage and a pedicure!!

Connie said...

SThat would be difficult since we don't know you well, chickee. But you certainly look lovely. Some people carry humor off better than others. Since we're a funny family (and probably funny looking also!) come over and read a bit of my stuff. Sometimes I'm very serious—as if last few days, but there are times when I can really get into it. Are you talking about being in blogland situations or actual "real" situations? That would help us to help you.

Since you are the same religion as I am then prayer can help with depression but sometimes you just need to work on being happy. There is no hard and fast rule to do that. I started to suffer from depression as I got older and moved away from familiar territory to a new place in Idaho. I get help with a very small dosage of anti-depressant to help but the past few years I've been able to find joy in the "mundane" things in life. I look at every single thing I do or that happens or that hubs does or says as a potential "funny" blog post. You might try that. But the thing you have to do is to simply post! I'm finding that when I make other people laugh then it makes me happy. Massage and pampering definitely helps to relax and help me.

If you need more feedback, then email me through my profile page on the blog. I just try to stymie the spammers and junk mailers but it is there if you want to "chat" more. I'm ready and willing to help ya, honey.

xoxo,
Connie

Lee said...

You know what I always loved about you? Even though I wasn't a part of your family, you always treated me like just another of your kids. You fussed at me for being stupid and laughed at me for being weird. You always made me feel like I was a part of things too. When I think of my boys dating, I hope that I treat their girls the way you always treated me. I think you are harder on yourself than you should be.

Darrell said...

I agree with Lee. You are way to hard on yourself. You have a lot going on in your life right now. The third anniversary of Shana's passing. Holly (enough said), And by the way Happy 33rd Anniversary. And they said it wouldn't last. What do they know anyway? I love you. Hang in there

5L's said...

ahh beverly! i love you and i love your honesty! i think you should just keep being yourself! sometimes i think i should try to be like so and so b/c others respond to them better....in my eyes. the grass always seems greener elsewhere, doesn't it? when we first met, when i was your vt, i felt intimidated by you and felt like you didn't like me (and maybe you didn't, lol). i sure have loved being able to get to know you better through your blog and cutting your hair. i think you're an amazing person and i'm not just sucking up. we have alot of similiarities in our personalities and i admire you for the good example that you are to me. just relax and be yourself and maybe come hang out with the girls sometime b/c we do like you! :)

The Traylor's said...

I think you're wonderful!

elaine said...

I guess we all need the assurance now and then that we are ok. I have seen you grow so much, especially the last 3 years. You are an incredible Sunday School teacher. I always love your lessons and can tell you have thought a lot about what you are teaching and believe it totally.

You are definitely being too hard on yourself. I always enjoy talking to you, you are fun to be around and I enjoy your sense of humor. I wonder if there is something, probably from your childhood, that is still causing insecurity and depression all these years later. If you can pinpoint it and deal with it that will help a lot.

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