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Monday, February 7, 2011

Welcome Monday

I don't usually like Mondays.  After staying up late and sleeping in on the weekends, it's hard to get back in the groove.  But today I'm so glad the weekend is over.  It was not a good weekend at all.  And it was my doing.  I think it was Thursday night when I fell into the abyss of depression that routinely plagues me.  Feelings of uselessness.  Worthlessness.  Hopelessness.  And then anger.  Rage.  What do you "see" when you look inside yourself?  We have a friend who jokes about his "black heart".  He isn't serious and is actually a very gentle, caring man.  But when I look inside myself, I see nothing but black.  On occasion, it may be lighter, but still black.  Nothingness.  My husband has never met a stranger.  Cashier, waiter, person in the next seat at the movies, child at the store.  He has a warm smile and kind word for just about everyone.  We've talked about this often.  Once I said to him that when he meets someone, he just assumes they'll like him.  He laughed and answered "what's not to like".  I'm not like that.  In fact, just the opposite.  I don't expect to be liked.  Inside me is a little girl with clenched fists, a raised chin, and a wary look in her eyes.  She jumps in to protect me before a threat is even there.  And people sense that.  Maybe it comes across as shyness.  Maybe aloofness.  Perhaps even over-confidence.  Definitely negative.  I don't like negative people.  I certainly don't want to be one.  Negative Nancy.  Downer Debbie.  I don't want those labels.  But it's not a matter of simply changing one's attitude.  If it was, believe me, I'd be a totally different person!  I get annoyed at those who say snap out of it or put a positive spin on things.  It's not that easy.  That's like telling someone who's short to just grow taller.  Some things are out of our control.   Anyway, that's my rant for the day.  Hopefully, for the week.  I'm feeling better.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 



12 comments:

Nanato4 said...

I could so relate to your comment about not expecting to be liked. I struggle with that, too. I'm sure it's why I'm so introverted and why I have so few friends.

I'm definitely praying that you will be able to see be able to get out of this dark tunnel soon.

Connie said...

So much of what you shared resonates loudly in my personality.
I am so sorry you have such down days and I wish I could make it all better for you. Sometimes just talking or writing about it makes one feel better.

Here is to a really great week for you my friend!

Mary said...

We all need to let things out every now and then. Feel better!

Jenn said...

I can totally relate with you. Seriously. ((hugs))

6L's said...

beverly, i so appreciate your openness and honesty! i know we've said it before, but we really need to make an effort to get together more often, we could help eachother so much. i hope i don't annoy you. i love you and i need to pick your brain soon too! :) (((HUGS)))

Lee said...

I feel your pain. I have days like that too. More than I'd like to admit. There are a few things that I found that help. Certainly don't change it, but help. Vitamin B and fish twice a week. I can tell when I'm off my diet of fish.

But those days are hard and we second guess ourselves. Sorry to hear you had a weekend like that. There's really no words other than thinking of you and hope you're feeling better soon.

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry you truly feel this way. Isn't recognition the first step to recovery?

I sure hope your spirits are lightened this week.

Never Enough Orange said...

I sure think there is a lot to like about you, but maybe that is because you and I are so similar. Sometimes you can't put a positive spin on thing, like living in Utah. oh, and Erika was disappointed you did not do a "meet me on Monday." She loves those.

I just love you!

Never Enough Orange said...

and what is "abouy markmanship" you wish to learn more?

Lauren said...

Mom, I think you rock. And I wish I lived by you so we could be besties. Ha! Love you!

EmptyNester said...

Sure wish I could say I have no idea what you're talking about. But I can't. Hubs is the same way- he can just go up and talk to anyone-always open and always seeing the good in others. I do like the way you describe the little girl with her clenched fists inside--that's pretty much the nail on the head.

Michelle said...

You sound like me. I actually had guys tell me that when they met me they were "intimidated" by me. And you're right. If you are depressed it's hard to snap out of it. I always used the example of telling a blind person to see. Short person growing taller works too, though. Luckily I haven't had to deal with anything like that in a long time. I hope that you really are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Prayers for you!
Michelle
http://www.heartfeltbalancehandmadelife.blogspot.com

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