Welcome Monday

I don't usually like Mondays.  After staying up late and sleeping in on the weekends, it's hard to get back in the groove.  But today I'm so glad the weekend is over.  It was not a good weekend at all.  And it was my doing.  I think it was Thursday night when I fell into the abyss of depression that routinely plagues me.  Feelings of uselessness.  Worthlessness.  Hopelessness.  And then anger.  Rage.  What do you "see" when you look inside yourself?  We have a friend who jokes about his "black heart".  He isn't serious and is actually a very gentle, caring man.  But when I look inside myself, I see nothing but black.  On occasion, it may be lighter, but still black.  Nothingness.  My husband has never met a stranger.  Cashier, waiter, person in the next seat at the movies, child at the store.  He has a warm smile and kind word for just about everyone.  We've talked about this often.  Once I said to him that when he meets someone, he just assumes they'll like him.  He laughed and answered "what's not to like".  I'm not like that.  In fact, just the opposite.  I don't expect to be liked.  Inside me is a little girl with clenched fists, a raised chin, and a wary look in her eyes.  She jumps in to protect me before a threat is even there.  And people sense that.  Maybe it comes across as shyness.  Maybe aloofness.  Perhaps even over-confidence.  Definitely negative.  I don't like negative people.  I certainly don't want to be one.  Negative Nancy.  Downer Debbie.  I don't want those labels.  But it's not a matter of simply changing one's attitude.  If it was, believe me, I'd be a totally different person!  I get annoyed at those who say snap out of it or put a positive spin on things.  It's not that easy.  That's like telling someone who's short to just grow taller.  Some things are out of our control.   Anyway, that's my rant for the day.  Hopefully, for the week.  I'm feeling better.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.