Many of you know that my oldest daughter died unexpectedly almost five years ago. I chose--unconsciously or not--to grieve privately. Those around me thought I was coping well and by no fault of their own didn't support me as I needed to be supported. Mainly because I didn't let them--I didn't let people know I was hurting, didn't let them in, I pretended all was well. But it wasn't.
This past weekend, I attended a conference called Time Out For Women for the first time. Friday night, one of the presenters said something that made me sit up and take notice. I can't tell you who it was or what exactly they said. All I know is the Spirit whispered to me that this message is why I was there. I went home very thoughtful. I went back Saturday with a determination to hear what the Lord wanted to say to me. All day I listened. I waited. I took notes. My heart was touched. But I hadn't yet heard what the Lord wanted me to know. Then with the last speaker, it came.
Emily Freeman was addressing us. She referenced Deuteronomy 2:3. "Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward." And my heart was pricked. My mind was opened that this was why I was supposed to attend. I have been feeling lately that I need to move on. I need to let my heart heal. I can still grieve for Shana, but it needs to be in a different way. This message has come to me several times over the past few weeks. But never so clearly as when Sister Freeman spoke on Saturday.
"Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward." To me, north means upward. Look up and out, not in and down. Move forward.
I know that my Heavenly Father lives. He loves me and knows me intimately. He can and will help me, I only need to open my heart to that healing. I will see Shana again--there's no doubt in my mind about that. What I need to do now is honor her memory, remember the good times, and do all I can to be with her again.
13 comments:
Thanks for sharing that, it brought tears to my eyes. I have only gone to TOFW once but will never forget it. I too was touched by a speaker in a way that I KNEW the Lord was answering my prayers. These are inspiring conferences for sure.
I can't imagine how tough it must be to lose a child. I am sure I would probably handle it like you did, put on a show that everything is fine but dying a little each day inside.
I am so glad your prayers were answered so profoundly. It is kind of humbling to know that Heavenly Father really does know each and every one of us personally and knows just what we need.
Hugs are coming your way this day from me.
Wow Beverly. That was such a touching and inspiring post. I can't imagine the grief of losing a child but I would probably do what you did as far as the facade goes---I do that all the time anyway. So glad that you listened when God spoke to you. So often I tune HIM out-but when I do listen, it's always life changing!
Hallelujah... Praise The Lord
only you could understand how my heart dances with joy as I read…read…re-read your blog. I’ve asked and asked and prayed and prayed for advice and for the right words to help or allow you to find peace in your heart and now you have it! I am so proud of you in so many ways right now... first you got the courage and desire to go to the gathering, I know how tough things like that are, but you did it... plus you went looking and expecting to find the answers you wanted... big... huge... hooray for you!!! Second, you sat there the first night and didn’t give up...you let that little prick keep your heart expecting.... the list goes on. you have taken those words and hidden them deep in your heart to live each day by...that’s fantastic! you are accepting in your heart that it is ok to move forward and let go… not forget but just let the tight reign loosen a little… O My gosh I wish I was there to give you a great big huge, too tight hug! I am soooo proud of you... and look...look what YOU did... the best of the bestest (lol)...you shared, you opened up your heart and mind…took off the mask and shared!!!!
O GIRL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
I love how each scripture can mean something different to us at different times in our lives. And while we attended the same conference, the message for me was something totally different. The Lord knows what we need to hear. Thanks for sharing this with us. I am very touched with your experience.
Oh, my Beverly, I cannot even imagine the loss of a child. Just something no parent ever expects. I'm so happy that you are going to cross over to other side of your grief. The Lord will provide healing a day at a time. As someone said to me when my Mom died, "you will never get over this, but you will get through it." True words! May the Lord bless you and hold you tightly in the days ahead!
can i first just say how proud i am of you?!! for going in the first place! i know that was a big step for you, and especially to go both days. :) i am so happy that you had this experience and that you have shared your heart with us. emily's talk is the one that i missed pretty much in it's entirety but i really enjoyed her when she spoke at tofw in atlanta. it was a wonderful conference! i love you.
Sweet Beverly...I cannot thank you enough for sharing this message with me today...I am so grateful that you felt inspired to share it. I can not imagine what you've been through, but you must be so strong to carry on. I feel so blessed to have met you on this bloggy journey...you are an amazing woman:)
Oh my, Beverly. The heartache of losing a child is something that no one can understand until they've been through it. I know how easy it is to keep all the grief inside, to present an image that everything is ok when it really is not. I'm so glad that you've listened to His voice ... I will be praying for your heart and your hurt to be healed and as you said, for you to do all you can to be with her again. {{{hug}}}
I didn't know that you had lost a daughter...that, to me, is just the unimaginable. Isn't it amazing how God puts us just where we need to be to hear Him? And, for the reassurance that you will see her again!
Thank you for sharing, this is beautiful and I'm glad you got a revelation. :) I had no idea you had lost your daughter, I'm so sorry to hear that. I couldn't even imagine what you suffered privately.
I love how God's timing is perfect and how he brought you to that conference and had the right speaker at the right time.
Sometimes when I think too long and hard about something (which usually makes me feel worse about it) I remember to keep looking up. As long as we are fixated on Him, our pain and problems seem to melt away.
I will be praying for your Beverly. :)
~K
I praise God that our Lord is faithful even during our sad times! I am so thankful that your heart was touched this weekend! Thank you for sharing your experience with us!!
I am so happy that you were able to receive this beautiful message from the Lord at a time when you were
least expecting it. There is always a reason we are given trials, you must be a very strong and extraordinary person. Thank you so much for sharing.
God is so very faithful. I'm so glad you heard the word and decided to take action. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
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