Usually on this blog, I keep things light and don't share my heart often. Today I would like to share with you a truly sacred experience I had this weekend. While such experiences are quite personal and not to be taken lightly, I want to tell you about what happened to me in the hopes that it might help someone else. My heart is so very full this morning and has been for several days now. It's almost like I can't keep this inside.
Many of you know that my oldest daughter died unexpectedly almost five years ago. I chose--unconsciously or not--to grieve privately. Those around me thought I was coping well and by no fault of their own didn't support me as I needed to be supported. Mainly because I didn't let them--I didn't let people know I was hurting, didn't let them in, I pretended all was well. But it wasn't.
This past weekend, I attended a conference called Time Out For Women for the first time. Friday night, one of the presenters said something that made me sit up and take notice. I can't tell you who it was or what exactly they said. All I know is the Spirit whispered to me that this message is why I was there. I went home very thoughtful. I went back Saturday with a determination to hear what the Lord wanted to say to me. All day I listened. I waited. I took notes. My heart was touched. But I hadn't yet heard what the Lord wanted me to know. Then with the last speaker, it came.
Emily Freeman was addressing us. She referenced Deuteronomy 2:3. "Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward." And my heart was pricked. My mind was opened that this was why I was supposed to attend. I have been feeling lately that I need to move on. I need to let my heart heal. I can still grieve for Shana, but it needs to be in a different way. This message has come to me several times over the past few weeks. But never so clearly as when Sister Freeman spoke on Saturday.
"Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward." To me, north means upward. Look up and out, not in and down. Move forward.
I know that my Heavenly Father lives. He loves me and knows me intimately. He can and will help me, I only need to open my heart to that healing. I will see Shana again--there's no doubt in my mind about that. What I need to do now is honor her memory, remember the good times, and do all I can to be with her again.