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Friday, November 21, 2008

Telling On Myself x 2

I should not be allowed near a stove--it's just a mishap waiting to happen. I can't tell you how many times I've had to make an emergency run to the grocery on Thanksgiving Day, because I ran out of or didn't have a necessary ingredient. Sometimes I've left a half-finished bowl of something while I went to the store--occasionally leaving the oven on the whole time I was gone!

Today was another example of my ineptness in the kitchen. Some of the boys from our church are going camping tonight (which I think is stupid in itself--the low tonight is 19!!) and Darrell was asked to fix dinner for the group before they head out. He decided on chili and cornbread. Darrell made the chili last night while I was at FlyLady class. And I was to make the cornbread this afternoon while he was busy doing other things. I made the first batch and everything was fine. Then I mixed up the second batch and decided to let it 'rest' a few minutes. I am addicted to a computer game and started playing it while the dough was resting. After a couple of minutes, I realized I hadn't set the timer on the oven. I set it for 15 minutes and went back to my game. Imagine my surprise when the timer went off and I opened the oven door only to find an empty oven! Where was my pan of cornbread? I looked over to the counter to see it still resting in the bowl waiting to go into the pan. Should be really good considering the time it rested!

I needed this to happen today. Thanksgiving is next week and it'll be the third without Shana. I woke up this morning feeling down and could feel myself starting that downward spiral. Thought if I did some Christmas shopping, that might help. But listening to the radio isn't a good idea when one is in a melancholy mood. Shana loved Rascal Flatts and of course one of the first songs was one of theirs. It seemed like every song I heard reminded me of her.

Shana's last Thanksgiving wasn't really a good one. She had to work till mid-afternoon and Clayton had to go in about that same time. Neither Holly nor Lauren and their families could be with us. I had decided I wasn't even going to bother with a Thanksgiving dinner. Then that morning, I changed my mind. Darrell, Clayton, and I ate about noon. Instead of enjoying the day, I was in a funk because all my family couldn't be here. When Shana came home from work, she fixed herself a plate and ate alone at the kitchen table. I was on the couch in the living room and felt prompted to at least go sit with her, but I didn't. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I have a hard time forgiving myself for not following that whispering of the spirit.

Don't tell me not to beat myself up over this. Regardless of what my head knows, my heart still hurts about it and it'll be something I always regret. I hope I learned from that experience though. I learned to listen to the spirit and follow its promptings. I also learned to appreciate what I have instead of what I think I should have. I'm not perfect in this yet, but I'm trying.

I missed my thankful post yesterday because I rode with Darrell on his route and didn't get home till late. So I'll be thankful for that time together yesterday. And today I'll be thankful for the spirit of the Lord and its guidance.


Lauren said...

Thanks for the corn bread story! I needed a laugh. It reminded me of the time Shana made kool-aid and put the sugar in one pitcher and everything else in the other!

I know what you mean about wishing you did things differently. I wish I had let Shana love all over Cassidy, that I had stopped to say goodbye as we were driving to Louisiana (like I was prompted to do), and just to have been better in general.

Knowing things is different from feeling them. I'm here for you if you need me (minutes or no minutes).

Tamara said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are so genuine, sincere, and honest. I have always loved that about you. Although I don't have anything soothing or more conforting to say, I know that the Lord watches over each of us, and that someday you will be reunited. We at least can be grateful for THAT knowledge that we do have, and can have hope and peace in awaiting that joyful reunion when we will all be reunited! I ♥ you!

The Richards Family said...

thanks for sharing and the reminder to follow those little promptings. i often lay down and have a feeling and then i won't go check on the kids or whatever it is and then i think to myself, if something happened and i didn't go i would never forgive myself and so i do.

darrell is great for doing that last night! loren didn't go b/c we already had plans plus the kids have been sick. i'm with you...i can't beleive they didn't cancel with how cold it was!

liz said... are such a joy to me! here you are going out of your way to make ME feel normal!
As I remember it...Shana idolized you because you loved her the way she was and she loved you the way you were. Shana accepted many people just as they were and the effect could be seen by the attendance at her funeral. I believe Shana was proud of you and believed you were proud of her too.

Sharon said...

I think when you lose a loved one you always look back and think why didn't I or what if.

No matter what people tell you, you still do it. You need to remember that we are only human.

You did remind me to make sure that the people I love know that I love them. So I will tell you again I love you and thank you sooo much for letting me be your little sister.

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