Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. This was hard. There are two really big things, one semi-big thing, and lots of little things that come to mind. I've wrestled all day with which big thing to share. One day I may make parts of this blog into a book, and even if I don't, certain people may read this particular post and recognize themselves, and I want them to know how sorry I am. Hopefully, they will understand. I'm not going to use names or be specific about some things, just because this isn't entirely my story to tell. If innocent parties weren't involved, I would be more forthcoming.
I need to forgive myself for not calling Child Services on someone I love. Because I love this person, I kept praying for them and hoping they'd change and mainly turning a blind eye when I shouldn't have. I should have called when I would visit and not be allowed inside. Or when I was allowed inside, but not beyond the living room. When I could see the filth and mess everywhere--dirty dishes, old food, overflowing trashcans, nasty diapers, etc. And I would leave knowing children lived there. I should have called when I'd go into the kitchen, open the cupboards or fridge and find little or no food. I definitely should have called the night I went over and found the 7-year-old had tried to make macaroni and cheese for dinner, since the mother hadn't fixed anything. That same night, I found Pop Tarts hidden in this child's backpack. It didn't occur to me until later that food was being hoarded, just in case.
I love these children. I should have done better by them. If I had it to do over again, I would be braver and do what needed to be done. Regardless of the consequences. The children deserved better than I gave them.
5 comments:
Oh Beverly, I can see how much you truly do regret not coming forward. I hope they do forgive you.
oh, what a hard thing to let go of! (((Hugs))) i'm still thinking of mine....maybe tomorrow.
That is a very tough place to be in. I have been in a similar position before. If I could get to you I would give you a big hug.
That is a tough position. I'm not sure I would have done any different. But you do give some good thought provoking words.
Sometimes it so difficult to take the step we need to when a person we love is involved. We all have regrets and what ifs. The things to focus on is the kids are in a better place (guessing) and will be ok.
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